You have to face your enemies head on to truly find healing.
I wanted to start off by saying I am so sorry for the delay. This has been a busy week with 75% off PFP!! I didn't want to give my YOU my amazing subscriber rushed work. So here we are...
Abandonment means to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert.
The definition of abandonment alone gives the connotation that it is permanent. Which is exactly how I felt every single time I was abandoned throughout my life, like it would never end. Abandonment is something that haunts you when you are in a room full of people and even when you are alone.
It makes you feel like no matter what you do, you will never be good enough to make anyone stay. You end up settling for what you think you deserve and run or push away anything or anyone that seems too good to be true. Abandonment is what had me looking so put together on the outside but in a daily battle with my thoughts full of jealousy. Being reminded daily, by the enemy that I wasn't enough and was just a brown-skinned girl that wasn't as pretty or important as the light skinned girl. What could I possibly offer to make the good guy stay and choose me?
The crazy thing is for years and I mean years I didn't even know abandonment had such a hold on me. I didn't know that I was self sabotaging every friendship and relationship I started before it even got started. That because of abandonment I went in with my guard up and had no intentions of letting it down to ensure they didn't leave with any broken pieces of me that I didn't have to spare.
Unfortunately, for me I didn't learn about Mr. Abandonment and the hold he had on me until after I said "I do". So here I was in this marriage self sabotaging it before we even celebrated our honeymoon.
It wasn't until the Lord revealed to me how powerful abandonment and rejection were in my life that I begin to notice it. The most transformative thing about this entire encounter was I asked God specifically to show me where the seed of abandonment and rejection was planted and this was his response.
Chapter 1
Confronting my enemy
You have to face your enemies head on to truly find healing.
-Realizing Destiny
Destiny, Destiny are you there? Did you hear my question? Dr. G.O.D. the therapist, yelled to get my attention.
Entering the room again but this time bringing my mind with me. I replied, “Can you repeat the question?”
“Yes, when was the very first time you remember feeling abandoned” He blurted out.
It was in that very moment I realized that I was caught up and could no longer run from him. For years he had made me question every decision I made, my identity and most importantly my worth. The time was now to surrender and look Mr. abandonment right in the eyes.
“Whoo... that’s a tough question.” I replied as I twiddled my thumbs. I would have to say it was around 1995 when my mother left my brother and I in York, Pa to stay with my grandmother. My mother left to go to Bridgeport, Ct with my younger brother and sister’s father to get things situated for our permanent move there.
“So, what about that situation made you feel abandoned? It was only, temporary right?” Dr. G said pryingly.
“Oh, so we aren’t going to waste any time? Are we?” I replied jokingly
Dr. G just continued to stare as he looked over his glasses.
“Well, I was very close to my mother. I was the oldest, so I didn’t want to be away from her. I also didn’t understand why the two youngest were able to go but the two oldest weren’t. It was near summer time when she first left so it couldn’t have been because of school. Not only that but my grandmother had a roommate that we called Ms. Jay, that wasn’t very nice. Ms. Jay was very light-skinned, and she only liked light-skinned children. So, during that summer it was my brother, my three cousins and I staying there.
My brother and my youngest cousin were light skinned while the rest of us were brown skinned. Ms. Jay would cook hot cooked meals for my brother and younger cousin and make my other two cousins and myself only eat canned goods. She also would beat us with a wooden spoon if we didn’t do as we were told. Also, if we didn’t make our beds right when we woke up. Worst of all from the time we woke up until dinner time she would tell us to go play outside no matter the weather conditions. She would have my grandmother bring us lunch and drinks, but we couldn’t go in the house for anything. My grandfather owned the building that we lived in. So, we had access to an apartment upstairs that she didn’t know about that we would go hide in sometimes.
My grandfather had remarried so he wouldn’t come over very often especially with my mother no longer there. We used to take boxes, baskets and anything else we could find and try to build a getaway vehicle with it. Let’s just say we weren’t ever successful. We were so scared of her because when our moms called if we asked too many times when they were coming to get us, she would give us the death stare meaning we were in big trouble. We got so accustomed to this, that we would just play it off like we just really missed them.
During this time did you feel abandoned by your mother or your grandmother?
Definitely by my grandmother. It is pretty normal for children to go spend time with their grandparents during the summer. That wasn’t out of the norm for me, but to feel as if the person that is there to protect me is sleeping on the job, that is where I felt abandoned.
He took me back to that very moment where abandonment and rejection where planted. A moment in my life that I had completely forgotten about but that my actions didn't forget how to react to.
Do or did you deal with abandonment and rejection?
Comment below and be honest.
