Is this when I should throw in the towel?

The Lord had me up at 2 o'clock in the morning writing this. So I know it is for someone, even though I wish this was something that could have just stayed between he and I. I am going to be obedient. I also did not spell check or make any changes so it could be in it's rawest and truest form. But, here it is...
 

For the last couple of months or so I’ve been filled with so many emotions. So many I truly don’t think I’m processing them or even know how to process them. Life the way we have known it forever is changing and mine in more ways than one. 

I have piles and piles of to do lists everywhere I look and I continue to encourage myself with the word to keep going. That quitting isn’t for the kingdom kids. That all I have to do is make it to this mark and this milestone and it will all be worth it. 

But if I can really be honest and transparent sometimes I let the enemy plant that seed in my head of will it though. Will it really all be worth it? Will the sacrificing, the numerous seasons of isolation, the feelings of who can I really trust to understand what I’m really going through, the constant uprooting and digging that God does in the uncomfortable places, etc really be worth it? 

I’ve found that it is so easy for me to encourage others about how to keep going but I’m not so easily able to receive the same message when I give it to myself. Now I know better than to quit but I would be lying if I said every time doesn’t get a little harder too. Sometimes I’ve wanted to quit so bad that I’ve screamed out to God. Why did you choose me? I knew from a young age I was different, that I was called. I could never feel comfortable as the other kids doing things I had no business or going places I had no business being. 

It got so frustrating that before I was even out of high school I stopped going to house parties and knew I wouldn’t dare step foot in a club. But why God, why me? This girl that never felt worthy, that always felt no matter how much I showed up I would never be enough to make anyone stay. Heck I couldn’t even make either one of my father’s stay. And I have two of them. That’s a long story for another day. 

But why God? Why do you consistently chase after me and give me more and more tasks to do to serve your people when I want to just let go? When I want to shut it all down and just go back to being the nobody that could go days, weeks or months without anyone even checking on me. 

His only response was because I love you too much to allow you to not be who I called you to be. Just because the world made you think you were not worthy, a nobody, a quitter doesn’t mean that you are. 

No this isn’t when you should throw in the towel. This is when you should pick up your mat and walk!


So I encourage you to do the same!

8 Jesus saith unto him, Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.

9 And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed, and walked: and on the same day was the sabbath.

John 5:8-9

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